yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
