My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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