my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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