does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
