I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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