I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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