I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm both gender and math confused
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
