i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
