ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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