I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
