Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize