i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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