fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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