if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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