Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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