just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
