i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
