but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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