Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
