there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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