Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
