I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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