It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
