She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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