I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is the high leading the old right now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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