I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
