I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
