Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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