What did we do last night that was yellow?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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