I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
