New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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