Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
