Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
