i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
