mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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