im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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