the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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