buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
