I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
