the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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