Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
