I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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