i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize