is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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