Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
