Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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