I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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