Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
