So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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