I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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