just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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