i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
