If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
