Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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