He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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