I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have fence marks all over my body
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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