life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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