we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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