I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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