Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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