I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
